Real Cowgirls Do it One-Handed

4 times.  1 handed.  While progressively getting drunker - much like my camera woman - each time lasted the average or longer than the useless bints using both.

Sure it was the one standing at the end, but that bull is my bitch. Inner thighs (and oddly one shin) may be black and blue but those are badges of honour!

(This actually happened last month but I would be remiss not to jot it down at all.  Since I'm here now and all…)

"Any interest in rodeo pub, I'm informed by a poster there is a mechanical bull?"
"Be there in 10."

Lessons vol. CUBA

[NOTE:  Honestly really just more of a list of things from my trip, but we'll say they're life lessons for the facade of consistency.  Also, I do what I want.]

• Morbidly obese people in professional athletic shoes both boggle the mind and entertain.  Seriously, w-what?
• Day 1, 09:32:  Begin the perma-buzz.
• So...apparently being on vacation means all my strict dietary discipline that I maintain in my day to day pretty much just goes right the hell out the window.  Just gone, baby, gone.  I regret (almost) nothing.
• Banana Mamma con Tequila.  Thank you, Cuba, for this discovery.  Thank you.

• Learning both French and Spanish at the same time means I don't actually speak either, instead it comes out as something I've dubbed Espançais.  It goes about as well as you'd think.
• Having run around without protection in deserts, I early made the mistake of not respecting the Cuban sun as I should, and it in turn taught me why this is wrong. (Very specifically burnt my nose when I fell asleep for a few hours.)
• Stung by jellyfish as a child, I have a reasonable fear of them.  Guess what the beach was littered with for the first few days? Man o' war, actually.  About the same level of fun.

• Upon arriving at the resort I fast discovered the night club generally only had about... 5 patrons.  Deeming this unacceptable, I discovered my powers to get people on the dance floor still work in other countries; even language barriers mean nothing.  (Had it averaging at least 30 to 45 people by the second night.)

• Getting lost may lead to accidentally ending up in the "Royal" part of the resort, which may less-accidentally lead to acting like you're supposed to be there while you enjoy lobster in a hammock.
• As a woman (and I suppose I shouldn't rule out all men) visiting a foreign country, be prepared to be propositioned by the locals.  A lot. A lot a lot.  For the goal of at least one of three things:  a sale, a green card, a hole.  They have a strange inability to understand "No" (in multiple languages), making it occasionally difficult to remain civil. 
• When shaving your legs you might want to make sure you do not stop before your skirt begins.  This is not a good look on anyone:

 

I don't even know what to make of that decision process.  It was way too precise to be attributed to haste. 

• You have to love a country that designs their capitol purely out of spite:

• I am delicious.  Ravagingly so.  ...To mosquitoes (and possibly vampires).  Curiously, only from the knees down.  Bizarre, considering being in a swim suit means they really have their choice of meat.  I noticed this pattern on a few other guests as well.
• So... 4AM shenanigans, our near BnE into the wrong resort had about all the success you'd expect of drunken beach ninjas (which is quite the opposite of sober actual ninjas).  For the record though, that was some intense security for a beach.  Luckily, even the girls that didn't speak Spanish picked up that "policidad"was a good cue to cut losses...
• Everyone smokes in Cuba.  Think you don't?  Too bad!  Enjoy all that second hand without a filter.  (I did not understand the few that thought they'd be safe there of all places.)  Pretty much the same for drinking - at least on the resort.  Oh, all inclusive...
• 12" 3-hole punch that I forgot was buried at the bottom of my backpack for years now, at the Varadero airport you will become the "hidden pocket knife" that nearly gets me arrested.
• Girls that buy those leggings with the denim print on them: you're not fooling anyone.  You do, on the other hand, look spectacularly cheap in taste.  Well done.
• Going from 29ºC to -12ºC in three hours is officially not my favourite way to be welcomed home, Canada.  I still love you, but we need to talk.

Totally Not Filler

Honestly, I don't really care to write anything, but a New Year's post just sort of seems like the thing to do.  So that said, here's my 2011 cocktail which I've recently recovered from:

• 1 blue dress
• 1 pair black 3" boots
• 2 parts champagne
• 4 parts screwdriver
• 4 parts Jack of All Trades, Muppets Christmas Carol, Blade, Clueless
• 2 parts board & card games
  
• 1/2 part accidental B&E
• 2 parts old friends
• 1 part new friends
• 1 part random friends
• Umpteen parts vodka & mystery vodka
• Many parts dancing
• 1 awful beer
• 1 part street justice
• 1 part CO-PILOT.

I'd give it 3 1/2 to 4 stars. Feel free to adjust to tastes.

[Warning.  There is a reason this is only done once a year not that often.  Not meant for pregnant women, children, or those with weak constitutions.  Make sure to book off an appropriate amount of time for the aftermath.  This establishment recommends at least 1, if not 2 days.  We take no responsibility for your actions at any point.]

Happy New Year.

Lessons vol. I

Things I will never learn:

• When food comes out of the oven/off the stove IT IS HOT.  Do not immediately put in mouth.  Or touch with bare hands.  This is bad and will cause pain and may result in the inability to taste anything for a while.
• When at all-you-can-eat, stop eating when you are full.  NOT when the food is gone.  It is never-ending.  This is a losing battle that unfailingly ends with you wishing for the sweet release of death.
• Do not let Terri pour your drinks without supervision.  That is how "two drinks" ends up being half a 750ml bottle - with just enough OJ to qualify it as yellow vodka.  This is both expensive and will end up with you blackout drunk if not just blacked out.  By 9:30.  This is how you ended up in pants with pumpkins at 5AM that time.
• The 90s:  there's people who don't get it.
• You're probably the only person (okay, one of few) who appreciates the vibrant colour of your underwears in a way that isn't remotely salacious.  This is disappointing, but deal.
• Few parents appreciate you offering to discipline their kids though they've clearly forgone it.

I am Mongol

So.  Here's the thing… I didn't think this was going to be a thing but it's happened more than once now so apparently it's a thing.  When I'm walking home at some ungodly hour (this would never happen when driving) in flats (E.G. my pumas.  Stilettos wouldn't end up like this)…
Exclusive to my trips to suburbia: [alcohol] + [fences] = Righteous Indignation

How dare they think they can keep me out?  If they had not put up a fence at all drunk-me would pay them no mind.  But there it is!  Offending me with its boorish 5 to 12 foot challenge.

Perhaps in my inebriated state I'm channelling my idol, and so making fences the Great Wall of China to my Genghis Khan.  Don't worry, though.  I have no desire to rape and pillage your yard.  So (just this one time) it's less about this:
"The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters."
--Genghis Khan
and more this:
"The strength of a wall is neither greater nor less than the courage of the men who defend it."
--Genghis Khan

Your walls are pitiful to me!

Among my flashes of memory is being perched 10 feet off the ground, "I can see into your yard, and your yard and…hey, a pool noodle!"
Then there was one point of being two stories off the ground on the outside wall of my brother's old elementary school.  I forget what my divine purpose was there, but know that I was very determined.
Another flash of being in someone's shed, rooting through their possessions.  I didn't want to do anything with their stuff, nor did I have any desire to claim it, I just really wanted to see if they had anything cool.  They did not.  Or maybe they did.  It was very dark.  I don't think they did.  It's okay though, my mother raised me right: Put everything back as you found it or better, so they'll appreciate you as a guest and want you to come back.

It's no surprise that by the time I get home my 15 minute journey has taken over an hour and probably looks like something out of Family Circus.

So the moral of the story is if it's 3AM and you see a young woman scaling, jumping or even just sitting on your fence for 8 minutes - don't be alarmed!  It's just me.  Please don't shoot.