Lessons vol. CUBA

[NOTE:  Honestly really just more of a list of things from my trip, but we'll say they're life lessons for the facade of consistency.  Also, I do what I want.]

• Morbidly obese people in professional athletic shoes both boggle the mind and entertain.  Seriously, w-what?
• Day 1, 09:32:  Begin the perma-buzz.
• So...apparently being on vacation means all my strict dietary discipline that I maintain in my day to day pretty much just goes right the hell out the window.  Just gone, baby, gone.  I regret (almost) nothing.
• Banana Mamma con Tequila.  Thank you, Cuba, for this discovery.  Thank you.

• Learning both French and Spanish at the same time means I don't actually speak either, instead it comes out as something I've dubbed Espançais.  It goes about as well as you'd think.
• Having run around without protection in deserts, I early made the mistake of not respecting the Cuban sun as I should, and it in turn taught me why this is wrong. (Very specifically burnt my nose when I fell asleep for a few hours.)
• Stung by jellyfish as a child, I have a reasonable fear of them.  Guess what the beach was littered with for the first few days? Man o' war, actually.  About the same level of fun.

• Upon arriving at the resort I fast discovered the night club generally only had about... 5 patrons.  Deeming this unacceptable, I discovered my powers to get people on the dance floor still work in other countries; even language barriers mean nothing.  (Had it averaging at least 30 to 45 people by the second night.)

• Getting lost may lead to accidentally ending up in the "Royal" part of the resort, which may less-accidentally lead to acting like you're supposed to be there while you enjoy lobster in a hammock.
• As a woman (and I suppose I shouldn't rule out all men) visiting a foreign country, be prepared to be propositioned by the locals.  A lot. A lot a lot.  For the goal of at least one of three things:  a sale, a green card, a hole.  They have a strange inability to understand "No" (in multiple languages), making it occasionally difficult to remain civil. 
• When shaving your legs you might want to make sure you do not stop before your skirt begins.  This is not a good look on anyone:

 

I don't even know what to make of that decision process.  It was way too precise to be attributed to haste. 

• You have to love a country that designs their capitol purely out of spite:

• I am delicious.  Ravagingly so.  ...To mosquitoes (and possibly vampires).  Curiously, only from the knees down.  Bizarre, considering being in a swim suit means they really have their choice of meat.  I noticed this pattern on a few other guests as well.
• So... 4AM shenanigans, our near BnE into the wrong resort had about all the success you'd expect of drunken beach ninjas (which is quite the opposite of sober actual ninjas).  For the record though, that was some intense security for a beach.  Luckily, even the girls that didn't speak Spanish picked up that "policidad"was a good cue to cut losses...
• Everyone smokes in Cuba.  Think you don't?  Too bad!  Enjoy all that second hand without a filter.  (I did not understand the few that thought they'd be safe there of all places.)  Pretty much the same for drinking - at least on the resort.  Oh, all inclusive...
• 12" 3-hole punch that I forgot was buried at the bottom of my backpack for years now, at the Varadero airport you will become the "hidden pocket knife" that nearly gets me arrested.
• Girls that buy those leggings with the denim print on them: you're not fooling anyone.  You do, on the other hand, look spectacularly cheap in taste.  Well done.
• Going from 29ºC to -12ºC in three hours is officially not my favourite way to be welcomed home, Canada.  I still love you, but we need to talk.

Goose.

So the delightful Jennie of Too Hard to Find a URL goosed me (is that right?) in this thing going around (nope, now it sounds like an STD) and because she's a sweetheart just this once I'm going to play along.

Rules are simple: list 15 facts about oneself and then goose five other bloggers to do the same.  As I'm lazy, if you're reading this and have a blog, consider yourself goose'd.  If you're reading this and don't have a blog you are duck'd.  Sorry.

Due to being a jerk lady, I will list an arbitrary number of factoids instead (read: until I get bored).  Début ici:

1. I have been chased by a police helicopter as a teenager.
2. People are generally much better at remembering my own escapades than I am.  Apparently there's quite a bit.
3. I consider anyone I haven't met to be fictional.  Recently, due to being forced to watch some of their movies, Japan has also made this list.  Seriously.  There's no way that's a real place. I can not be convinced otherwise.
4. I secretly would do terrible, terrible, wonderful things to Carmen Sandiego.
5. Number 4's not really a secret.
6. I recently caught myself signing a government document "Batman" without thinking.  Nobody even noticed this error at first since I've used it as a pseudonym so often.
7. I'm Batman.
8. I have a list of men I would kidnap, without hesitation, given the chance.  It includes Adam West, Morgan Freeman, William Shatner, John Lithgow, and a few more.  The plan is to lock them together in a room and film what I can only assume will be entertainment gold!  (Once the chloroform wears off.)
9. I have no shame about knowing the Macarena.
10. My inner child is a fat kid I keep locked in a cage.  She bitterly hates me in no uncertain terms; repeatedly trying to break out and grab the reins.  We are locked in an eternal battle of "Screw you".

 

Things That Are and Should Be

Oh.  

Oh my.  

I have discovered one of the greatest things anyone who grew up on pop bands from the 90s can:

Yeah.  It's a thing and it's REAL.  

Oh.  My.  

She was my favourite too (incidentally, shortly followed by Mel C).  After I stopped laughing I swore that if I ever got a PS3 or Kinect this would be the first thing I purchase.  Not to get fit, no.  That would just be frivolous money spending then.  Not to mention impossible, because I can't get over how amazingly awesome-hilarious I find this.  I would probably just sit in front of it and drink Long Island iced-teas while she yells at me.  Aw man, if there was a Get Trashed with Mel B I would be all over that so fast…

Speaking of which, other things I would like to see in this genre of gaming:

Get Loaded with Jamie P

Get Classy with The Rock

Get Airborne with Lucy Lawless (Not to be confused with Xena, who can not fly.)

Get Straight with Adam West

Be Narrated by Morgan F 

[Possibly Directly Relates to Previous Entry]

I am a Monster!  I will eat your cookies in a most terrifying way!  ...Once I get out of this bed.  Then I will be Queen of all China.

I just noticed my bed is very blue.

Totally Not Filler

Honestly, I don't really care to write anything, but a New Year's post just sort of seems like the thing to do.  So that said, here's my 2011 cocktail which I've recently recovered from:

• 1 blue dress
• 1 pair black 3" boots
• 2 parts champagne
• 4 parts screwdriver
• 4 parts Jack of All Trades, Muppets Christmas Carol, Blade, Clueless
• 2 parts board & card games
  
• 1/2 part accidental B&E
• 2 parts old friends
• 1 part new friends
• 1 part random friends
• Umpteen parts vodka & mystery vodka
• Many parts dancing
• 1 awful beer
• 1 part street justice
• 1 part CO-PILOT.

I'd give it 3 1/2 to 4 stars. Feel free to adjust to tastes.

[Warning.  There is a reason this is only done once a year not that often.  Not meant for pregnant women, children, or those with weak constitutions.  Make sure to book off an appropriate amount of time for the aftermath.  This establishment recommends at least 1, if not 2 days.  We take no responsibility for your actions at any point.]

Happy New Year.

Feuding II

Dear Body,

What the hell?  It's our one day off.  We get to sleep in.  Do you know what that means?  We do not have any reason to be awake.  Like none, no responsibilities.  Whatsoever.  I'm not even functioning at the capacity of a hand puppet.  So what are you doing?

There is no reason for this.  We didn't even get in till almost dawn, it doesn't make sense.  Even less when you consider the gratuitous amount of alcohol involved.  In case you need a refresher, for normal bodies: more of that usually equates to more time unconscious, not less.  Making zombie-face at the wall is not what needs to be happening right now.

I will fight you to the death,
Brain

Feuding I

Dear Brain,

Seriously.  It's 4:14 AM, we're exhausted.  We're in bed, ready to shut down, why won't you just stop?  No, I get it.  You're important to this operation, but really, who the hell needs to have thoughts about nothing jerking them into wakefulness when they're falling asleep?  This is the opposite of our goal.  It's not even relevant to anything going on.  At all.  Ever.  

What the hell is wrong with you?  Do you know how hard it is to even get this far in the sleeping process; how much we've been looking forward to it?  Do you appreciate what we're trying to tell you?  Limbs heavy, Eyes don't want to open, Brain...being a sociopath towards the rest of the team.  

You start off doing so well too, it's hard to tell if you're genuinely tweaked or just exceptionally malicious, "[...]I'll remember to do that tomorrow.  Mm, bed so soft and warm, not like...not-beds...so...night...things... ... ... ... ... ... Acorns!  They wear little berets."

What.  The.  Hell.  You need to stop.  Not okay.  And worse, it's often when you know we got to get up in a few hours.  You know this.  It's worse than the time you woke us up because you figured out the solution in a puzzle was to jump.  To jump.  You jag.

Sincerely,

Body