That Crying Sound You Hear

So after being the sort of ill all Sunday where I actually agreed to trying a detox/cleanse... Well long story short, in the rabbit hole.


Day 1:  "I WANT TO KILL EVERYONE.  Need...meat...and lattes..."  Have immediately concluded there is nothing natural about this.  Have chosen not to make gross veggie smoothies on the first day as a way to "wade into it", just downing them au naturale. Luckily I'm allowed spices.


Day 2:  "How do vegetarians(/vegans) LIVE like this?  I want to shoot myself!"  Constantly hungry and irritable, never doing this during a work week again.  Funny how those qualities aren't business friendly... Is it okay to smoke during a cleanse?  I feel now would be a good time to take up smoking.


Day 3:  Wailed over a box of cookies, argued that vodka is from potatoes and therefore indeed a vegetable.  Ready to crack - violently - at any time.  Just barely kept on track by outside influences.  They seem to think I should be thankful, I'm leaning more towards bloodlust.  Pretty sure when I'm done this betrayal of my stomach I'm going to spend an inordinate amount of time in the kitchen cooking and baking ALL the things!


Day 4:  ...Holy crap, it's day four?  Life is ashambles, but have reached a "tolerable" medium with the meatless bouts of delirium.  Was watching ads for work and one of them featured a giant gingerbread cookie running around...was immediately turned on.  Like whoa; you've no idea.
Still no smoothies on the horizon.  Noticed my friends are in fact comprised of fleshy meat bags.  Considering the implications...

The weird silver-lining I noticed is that since my body's so weak from lack of meats and alcohol I'm usually passing out by 22:00 (as opposed to 01:00).  This is the most sleep I've gotten in months!  ...It's weird.

Does Not Want to Catch 'Em All

I've concluded I resent the phrase "caught a cold". Generally when one catches something it implies they had the desire, made the effort to. Yet when one catches a cold that is - more often than not - not the case at all. Rather it is the cold, I think, that catches you. A cold can catch, tickle, ravage, and wipe you out. You on the other can, can not do that to the cold. So why on Earth would someone ask me if I caught one, like it was something to actively try to achieve?

And then there's that final insult to injury of congestion, which can make a normally civilized person suffer the indignity of being forced to become a mouth breather. Further, if one is not in the habit of breathing through their mouth when they sleep they find they'll end up with very little sleep as the body keeps reminding them, "You're not breathing at all, wake up!"

Nothing can make an adult - of any age - feel quite like a child again like getting sick.

 

[Possibly Directly Relates to Previous Entry]

I am a Monster!  I will eat your cookies in a most terrifying way!  ...Once I get out of this bed.  Then I will be Queen of all China.

I just noticed my bed is very blue.

This is a Title

So, guess who's sick? You could probably name any number of people and be correct, but this is my blog and being self-absorbed I was referring to me.

It happened as colds do.
19:59, Monday
Me: What a great night to be healthy.

20:00, Monday
Body: Ha-ha! I'm going to punch you in the face with disease! All that energy you thought you had? It's gone now, sucka! Let's see you walk home after work now, [censored for posterity]!

It retrospect it was more likely the illness cussing me out but it felt like a betrayal of my body. I thought body and me were getting on great, but apparently that was all a horrible lie.

Dear Body,
If this is about that thing we ate… Get over it. I said I was sorry and wouldn't do it again. In the near future.

Why do you think I take you running every night and not eat like my fat inner child demands? It's not just for our exterior, dangit. (Which, I have to give you credit, is awesome. So. Keep that up.)

Oh, and we're still going rock climbing Thursday, so you better shape up because that'll suck for you too if you keep this attitude up.
Love (but not right now),
Cole

Also, apparently being barely lucid puts me in the mood for house music. Rare. Odd. Going with it.

UPDATE: So...working out at the gym? Not something you're supposed to do mid-fever. The good news is I didn't fall off the treadmill, per se. My jeans also remained on despite my feeble efforts as I decided it got too hot.

UPDATE: I have found the meds. Buckleys was not created for doing shots.

UPDATE: Have been given one command: DO NOT GO TO SLEEP BEFORE UPS GETS HERE. So of course my body's all "You know we should do? Sleeeeeeep. Sleep! I'll make you feel so good, baby. Oh, oh! Are you going to blink? Watch me turn that blink turn into a nap. Don't even act like you don't want this."

UPDATE:  ...UPS never showed.   Those motherf-!

UPDATE:  "WHY ARE YOU NOT PANTS?"

UPDATE: "I'm going to Jell-o the shit out of you." What does that mean? I don't know, but I said it. And apparently I was pretty certain of its undeniable truth when I did.

UPDATE: